life is so FUCKED UP1!! like honestly i don't understand why i have to feel so shitty all of the time. i have no coping mechanism either and i am just so !!!!!!!!! i feel awful and CONFUSED when people are nice to me and??? i don't even know..that's not normal i wsh. i didnt feel like this i wish i wasnt used only as a punching bag and for my body by everyone around me. i almost feel sick when people are genuinely nice to me and like me because it's like some kind of . sick joke??? but it's not a joke they're SERIOUS?? it's so confusing. because it's so unfamiliar to me. i wish i could drink right now cause it's the only thing i can do right .. drink the problems awayy y. .y....
anyway i think my english is getting better. charlotte has been very helpful teacher. oh my god i love this fucking song so bad im gonna cream my pants Somebody HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP louisseeeeee never heard bout uppy love cause they dint know that term in frannnceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee im gonna cyr. oh m god. im kinda horny. I want to jack off NEVERMIND I DONT IM NOT HORNY I AM NOT A DIRTY LITTLE MAN. i would never do tha.t...ok i am done writing ACTUALLY NO I LIED i love dogs so much. if i could be reborn as anything but a human i would definitly be a dog. or maybe a gerbil. no. dog. deffffffffffffffff...a dog. theyre just so cute?? like i am a dog. they smile and wag their tails when theyre super happy like you cant tell me thats not me. when i am super happy i bounce my leg like a LOT i like to think that is the steve version of tail wagging. god if i had a tail i would die. that is all i ever want in life.
sometimes i wonder why im here, am i only here to be used again and again and again by everyone around me? to be hit and kicked and used as a punching by everyone else? sometimes i think and remember all the things i've been told, in source, years ago when i had to be host, and it makes me so sad. why me, i will never truly understand i guess but its still so upsetting. i dont think ill ever actually feel like someone loves me for who i am rather than my body or my looks or any of that shit im so TIRED of it i!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hate everything
i amsoDisgusted withmyslef lol being hyperseuxal will be the death of me why do iw anna jack off every singlehour of my LIFE. ok i am sooooooooooo tired but thtais ok..i am squealing and kicking my feet like a little girl ilov him so mcuh ..... i wish i could say more lovings but i am terrible with words...espcially in english >_> but i really do .. just talking to him i get liek .. butterflies!! in my stomach and it does twists and turns and ahhh ... i think this is the happiest ive been since like ...2019 ..
I AM GOING TO HARM MYSLEF joy joy joy joy joy joymjoy jo yoj ojyojj I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVEYRONE I WANT TO KILL MYSLEFD WHY DOES HEHATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!WHY CANT I BE PERFECT ANFD NIRMAL whWY AM I NOT ENOUGH!!!!!!! I AM NEVER ENOUGH FOR ANYONE JESSSSSSUDS GUCKING CHRIST i will NEVER BE ENOUGH!!! I WILL NEVER BE THE PERSON I WANT TO BE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY!!!!!!!!!!!! jonathn says i should let it go but i CANT!! HOW AM I SUPOSOED TO JUST LET IT GO this is why I started drinking again Oh my god its literally 2019 all over aagia what the FUCK AM I SUPOSED TO D0O